What I Learned About Giving Advice No One Asked For
- Mollie
- Jul 20
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 22
Can I let you in on a little secret—something that could change your life, too?
You know that moment when someone says, “Can I offer you some free advice?” Ever wonder why that advice often falls flat… or why the other person never acts on your bright ideas?
Because they didn’t ask you.
Here’s the truth: advice—free or otherwise—only matters if the other person asked for it. That includes ideas, solutions, plans, strategies… all of it.
The Problem-Solver Trap
I’ve always prided myself on being a problem-solver. I love helping. I’ve never wanted anyone to suffer discomfort, frustration, or pain if I could do something about it. In Corporate America, this was a skill that served me well on paper.
But early in my career, I spent a lot of time solving problems no one ever asked me to solve.
I’d lie awake at night fixated on how to make things better, how to fix something that wasn’t even mine to fix. If you added up all the hours I spent ruminating, researching, talking it out, and trying to help including building out someone else’s development plan or finding opportunities they hadn’t asked for the amount of unpaid time and energy I poured into it could’ve been a full-time job. It drained my body, my creativity, and my spirit.
I wasn’t driven by credit. I was driven by the need to help, to be useful, to ease someone else’s burden. And the more I succeeded at work, the more I dug into fixing mode. I’d spend hours on and off the clock trying to perfect the solution, pitch the idea, or influence the outcome.
And when it didn’t land?
I turned the failure inward:
Maybe I wasn’t articulate enough.
Maybe I didn’t matter.
Maybe I just wasn’t good at influencing change.
I’d obsess over why they didn’t take my ideas especially when I had poured so much of my time, thought, and heart into them.
The Missing Piece
A Senior Leader once told me something that stuck:
“Pick your battles. Build a strong case. Keep going, and when the timing is right, when it matters to them, it’ll land.”
And yes, there were a few times where someone took one of my unsolicited suggestions and ran with it. But more often, I felt deflated, unseen, like I didn’t matter. I felt like a failure in my attempts to influence or spark change. I played the role of the quiet victim, wondering why it never worked out.
Until one day, one of my teachers asked me a simple but life-altering question:
“Did they ask you?”
And just like that, it hit me: no one had asked for my help. She went on to explain something that shifted everything for me:
Unsolicited advice can feel like a lack of trust or even an attack. The brain often interprets it not as help, but as judgment, control, or a threat to self-worth. That’s because we’re wired for autonomy when advice is given without permission, it can activate a subtle (or not-so-subtle) threat response in the brain.
That’s why being asked is so important.
It creates openness, collaboration, and consent and conditions that help the brain feel safe enough to receive. No wonder it fell flat.
I was offering solutions to problems I wasn’t invited into. And while my heart was in the right place, the “helper” in me was also quietly trying to earn my sense of worth. Sure, I had a knack for seeing what was coming, for researching, and for solving. But the one thing missing?
Consent.
I hadn’t been asked.
And that realization changed everything.
This has been one of the hardest lessons of my life and one I still work on daily. Before I offer advice or help, I ask myself:
Did they actually ask for help?
Sometimes, people send what feels like a “signal” for help—and I jump in. I think, overthink, prepare, and offer…and then nothing. Silence. It doesn’t land. Now, I pause. I ask. I wait.
And if the answer is no, even if I know I have a great solution I have to walk away. Because unsolicited help often isn’t help. It’s interference.
From Helper to Aligned Guide
But here’s what I see clearly now:
When someone enters into an agreement of YES with me, when they invite me in, when they ask for my help that YES gives me clarity and gives me permission. And in that container of mutual agreement, I have targeted energy, and plenty of space for creative ideas to germinate. It’s not about withholding help. It’s about aligning your sacred energy with people who are ready to receive it.
How to Tell If It’s a YES
If this sounds familiar or hits a chord with you, you’re not alone. Here are a few things to remember and gentle questions to ask yourself as you move forward:
“Did they ask for my help?”
“Am I offering support, or trying to prove my worth?”
“Is this mine to fix, or am I crossing an energetic boundary?”
“Can I offer help with permission, not assumption?
And When It Is Your Role to Help
If you lead teams or support others as part of your job, that’s generally a built-in “yes.” You’re expected to guide, assist, and offer direction. But even in those roles, how you deliver help matters. Offer support in a way that respects timing, and readiness.
When it comes to personal or professional development, it’s a little different. For growth work to truly land, the other person has to want it. The insight sticks best when they’ve asked for support and are open to receiving it. Otherwise, it risks feeling imposed, even if it’s coming from a good place.
Ask: “Can I be of assistance?”
Ask: “Would you like my help?”
Ask: “How may I support you right now?”
Clarify your role - make sure you’re not inserting yourself into work or emotional labor that isn’t yours (unless invited).
If someone declines your help, respect the boundary. Your worth is not tied to being needed or fixing things
Final thoughts…
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer… is space.
Space to ask.
Space to be invited.
Space to allow others to find their way.
Because not every problem needs solving.
And not every helper needs to help to matter.
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